The Funny Thing About Expectations

Expectations are a funny thing. Whether they’re expectations I have for myself or others, there’s no avoiding them, and there’s nothing wrong with them. Where the problem with expectation lives, however, is, well, expecting other people to show up in ways I expect.

My wife and I have been married nearly 21 years. We’ve known each other for 27. Our relationship today is better than it has ever been, which is saying something because we’ve had a lot of really great years. Even during times when we didn’t like each other very much, we loved each other. The experience I’m going to share will highlight the lack of emotional intelligence I’ve had. Some of you will, for sure, be left wondering how I could get upset over such a little thing. I won’t judge my former self for my lack of emotional maturity and resilience.

Something else you need to know about me. I’m fastidious about putting things back where I found them; where they belong. A place for everything and everything in its place is a truism I’ve lived by since I was 6 years old.

The first apartment we lived in was in the basement of our 12th grade English teacher. We did a bunch of repair and finish work in exchange for 9 months of rent-free living. One of my favorite parts of that apartment was the all-glass shower I installed.

But, there’s always a but (see what I did there?), it didn’t take me long to notice a trend: when my wife got ready in the morning, her towel would often drop from her head and stay on the floor wherever she happened to be at that moment. Not where it belonged. Later in the day, I would pick it up and put it back on the towel rack in the bathroom. All was, once again, right in the universe.

I started telling myself a story. I knew she knew that I liked organization and order. I wondered how my new bride could be so inconsiderate of my need to be organized.

This went on for 5 years. 5 years I stewed over my wife leaving her towel on the floor! A few times, I made off-hand remarks about it but never addressed the issue head on. I had this vision of how my wife should show up for me and it didn’t include her leaving her towel on the floor!

Then one day, something remarkable happened. One day I picked up that towel and a powerful thought struck me: I’m married to an amazing woman. We love each other. So what if she doesn’t want to hang up her towel? How grateful I am that she is here so that I can pick up her towel.

Fast forward 20 years. Most days, that towel is still on the floor or draped over the hamper or wadded up in the tub. I love it because it has become a sign that my wife is still there. Her misplaced towel is now something that brings us closer together. Why? Because I removed an expectation of how I wanted her to show up for me.

Now, when she does hang up her towel, I figure she must be mad at me.