Cushioning Difficult Experiences

Today was one of those days when I woke up exhausted. I pushed myself out the front door early for a quick 6 mile run that turned into a slow 4 mile one. After getting ready for work, I walked the 1.5 miles to the train station, got on the train, and promptly fell asleep.

Most days, I choose to doze a little on the train. Today, however, I fell asleep. Hard.

When I woke up, I was a few miles past the stop where I was supposed to get off. Rather than get off the train and wait for another train to come by the other direction, I decided to take advantage of the good weather and walk the 2 miles to my office.

When I realized what happened, I laughed at myself. I knew I’d be later to the office than I’d planned, but the weather was perfect and I missed a few miles in my run anyway. Also, I knew my job was not in any jeopardy over my tardiness (a privilege, I know).

My walk to the office gave me time to think about a few things. For example, I could have reacted in a negative way to my experience, cursing the fact that I didn’t get enough sleep. Instead, I was able to laugh about it. That gave me a good frame of mind to enjoy the walk.

It won’t be news to anyone that sooner or later we’re all going to experience some pretty tough challenges in life. When they come, there are a few things we can do to make the bitter pill a little bit easier to swallow.

Here’s a quick list of 14 things that might take the edge off:

1. Laugh
   We’ve all heard that laughter is the best medicine. While that’s actually not physiologically true, clinical researchers have found that “laughter may have serious positive physiological effects for those who engage in it on a regular basis¹.”
   While it’s not easy to laugh during difficulty, it is worth it. If nothing else, it tends to lift the spirits.

2. Cry
   In the same vein as laughter, crying is an important release that can also make it easier to deal with difficult situations and emotions. From a May 2014 article from the National Institute of Health, “in addition to the importance of socially mediated mechanisms for the mood-enhancing effects of crying, there is converging evidence for the direct, self-soothing effects of crying.”

3. Explore how it could have been worse
   This one requires a bit of care or one might soon find themselves in a nihilistic state of mind. It’s the idea that it can always be worse. While that statement is true, going down that particular rabbit hole is not helpful. What can be helpful in looking momentarily at the darker side is that it can also help you identify ways for which you can be grateful, even during a difficult trial.

4. Have a heart for gratitude (don’t take anything for granted)
   Tied closely to the previous statement, gratitude has a number of positive effects on the brain which lead directly to an increased ability to deal with difficult situations.

5. Let it go
   Whether we perceive a hurt or actually experience a trauma, it is important to recognize that hanging onto anger for too long is very detrimental to the healing process. Being able to effectively let go is a lifelong pursuit, and one that we should work on daily.

6. If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you look at it
   This one is coupled with number 5. For those things we know need to change — and that we have the power to change — the key to moving forward is to make a plan and change it, no matter what it looks like or how long it takes to advocate.

7. Ask what you can do; work on a project
   Finding something to do to occupy your mind is a great way to soften the physical and/or mental anguish that can play on repeat in the mind for hours, days, months, or even years after the event takes place. While you’re working through any kind of trauma, keep an eye out for things you can do or learn that will give your mind a reprieve from difficult self-talk and rumination.

8. Never be involved with more than one trouble at a time
   If only that were possible. What I mean by this it’s often too difficult to attempt dealing with multiple troubles at the same time. Wherever possible, devote as much time as you can to resolving the most urgent issue first and work your way down the priority list. If you get stuck, move on to the next thing, then the next, until the list is dwindled down to a manageable one. If they’re chronic troubles (such as major health challenges), try to appreciate those days when it doesn’t suck so much.

9. Do a little every day
   This one also dovetails into the previous statement. Progress, now matter how small, is still progress. If you‘re a heavy smoker trying to quit, for example, smoking an average of just one fewer cigarettes a day means 7 fewer smoked in a week. While perhaps not hugely significant from a statistical level, the impact on health can be enormous and can lead to significant long-term improvements.

10. Expect a miracle
    I’ve discussed my faith traditions in a number of articles. This one, however, doesn’t have to be rooted in religious faith. Coupled, in particular, with points 4 and 5 above, setting our sights on the best possible outcome often influences the outcome.

11. Thank the Lord for the ride
    In a May 2020 Psychological Science article by Dr. David H. Rosmarin, he noted, “research that has been done on prayer shows it may have similar benefits to meditation: It can calm your nervous system, shutting down your fight or flight response. It can make you less reactive to negative emotions and less angry.”

12. Think about ways things can and will work out
    This one is closely related to #4 (gratitude). Contemplating more favorable outcomes can help break the cycle of ruminating on the current situation. Focusing the mind on more positive things naturally improves one’s mood and perspective.

In the midst of the trials, challenges, and vicissitudes of life, it can be difficult to change your mindset. It’s okay to fail at it. Throwing yourself the occasional pity party may be a necessary part of your healing process. The point isn’t to be successful the first or thousandth time you work on changing your mindset. The point is to work at it. In the realm of emotional intelligence, we’re all of us toddlers learning how to walk; most of us until the day we die.

Thanks for reading!

¹“The Laughter Prescription”, National Institute of Health’s National Library of Medicine, July-Aug 2016, p262–67