Chivalry Is Dead

My wife and I attended the University of Utah at the same time. She graduated at the very top of her class in pharmacy. I graduated firmly nestled in the middle third of my mechanical engineering class. Before we married, she was supremely independent. If she couldn’t figure out how to do it on her own, it generally wasn’t worth doing.

Fast forward 21 year. We are co-dependent people (in a good way). From the time we started dating until now, I’ve tried to open the door for her, give her my jacket when she’s cold, hold her hands to warm them up, and even let her press her popsicle-feet against my legs at night.

Some people call me old fashioned. In the past, I’ve traveled a lot for work. When I wasn’t home, she defaulted back to extraordinary independence. When I came home, it was back to relying on each other for all kinds of things.

I also know when to step aside and simply let my wife do her thing.

In the last few decades, there has been a sentiment growing and gathering steam that chivalry is a bad thing. Let’s take a look at it with as much objectivity as we can.

In feudal societies, kings and lords had knights. These were people the ruler kept close who were good at defending the king and his interests. Chivalry was the blending together of qualities expected of ideal knights, particularly courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and willingness to help those weaker and less privileged than they.

When the knights (and the rulers) were good people, the system worked pretty well. As is often the case, however, a little bit of power goes straight to the ego. It often didn’t take long for good people to justify away their goodness in pursuit of their own interests.

In those situations, chivalry gave way to misogyny; ingrained prejudice against and objectification of women. Over time, the problem became endemic in many societies.

Here, I tread lightly because I’m entering into territory where I have only my own experience from which to draw.

I’m certainly not ignorant to the mistreatment of women (and so many other groups) by men. I support equal human rights and empowerment for all people regardless of any categorization that may be imposed. As I’ve said before, I think some good work has been done but we’ve a long, long way to go to achieve the kind of enlightened ideals so many think have already been achieved.

That said, I think chivalry is a good thing. Confusing the narrative with misogyny is the problem. When anyone puts themselves above another person in a way that demeans another, that’s a problem. In the modern era, true chivalry is not about riding in on your white horse and saving someone. It’s about respect. And respect is something we certainly need a lot more of in the world today.

My wife is perfectly capable of opening a door for herself. She does it regularly. When we go on dates, she allows me the opportunity to serve her in a small way by opening her door. It’s one of the myriad ways I show her that I’m mindful of her and that I love and respect her.

Go ahead and do something chivalrous today. You may be surprised by what you discover.