The One Thing You Control

At the outset of the COVID-19 pandemic, I often found myself staring at the seemingly innumerable (and ever-increasing) dashboards and graphics displaying how the number of cases skyrocketed daily.

Some of the charts presented the data in the most informational way possible. Others were decidedly calculated to cause fear and panic; supporting the media’s relentless pursuit of ad revenue through fear-mongering.

Like many people, I finally came to my senses. I knew things were difficult for so many people all over the world. But, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

In retrospect, it’s a good thing I wasn’t in charge. I struggle to manage my own life. How would I possibly manage the lives of billions of other people?

The only thing I can control is me, and even that isn’t completely true. While I can influence certain things, it’s still true that people in excellent physical shape will die suddenly of a heart attack, cancer, or some other fatal disease.

I don’t even have complete control over the thoughts that flow through my mind. The brain is remarkable and poorly understood. Nobody knows all the particulars of how a thought forms.

If I can’t control the thoughts I have (completely) then the only thing I can realistically control is how I respond to my thoughts.

Of the millions upon millions of experiences I will have in my life, the only thing I can control absolutely is how I respond to my thoughts.

That’s it.

That’s not to say I should’t exercise self-control where possible. Self-control is having thoughts, interpreting them, then acting accordingly.

In that sense, life is really all about me. If I want the world to be a better place, I have to be a good person. I can’t force anyone to be a better person nor can I make them a worse one. I can apply influence, but ultimately the decision resides with the individual. Even being exceptional at something doesn’t guarantee one’s ability to influence other people.

Managing my response to stimuli and the thoughts I have takes practice.

Here’s a case in point. Today, I received a delivery of some construction materials that were too large to fit in my vehicle. Part of the delivery was five 80lb bags of ready-mix concrete. It rained on and off all night and into the morning. When the delivery truck arrived, the bags were wet. My intention was not to add water to the cement until I was ready to actually use it.

I had an opportunity to challenge my thoughts on the matter. When I reached out to customer service to explain what happened, I was calm. In fact, I complimented customer service on how well the rest of the order was handled. I talked to them calmly about the cement, and they calmly agreed to exchange the ruined bags for new ones.

The customer service agent ended by telling me how amazing I was for being so understanding of the situation.

Of course, I could have responded in anger. But, I didn’t.

If I had been angry, the outcome likely would have been the same. However, I would be carrying the weight of the experience (because I try not to be a jerk to people).

The challenge is stopping our reaction long enough to get all meta-cognitive about our thoughts. It takes practice to catch yourself long enough to question a thought before it turns into an emotional eruption.

To conclude, here are five practical steps that might just help you interrupt an emotional chain reaction before it gets out of control.

Stop. You have to force yourself to take a beat before you respond to a thought or emotion.
Take a deep breath. Breathing is a great way to stop the runaway emotion train.
Acknowledge the thought and any emotions associated with it. Remember, emotions are not bad. They’re instructive. Grant yourself that with a bit of grace.
Try to relax. This one goes along with breathing. Locate tension in your body then concentrate on releasing it.
When required and possible, remove yourself from the situation. This one isn’t always possible, but walking away from a situation for even a moment can provide the space to begin the process described above.

Have patience with yourself. Learning to control your response to thoughts and emotions is a lifelong pursuit.