Follow Your Heart, Even When It Hurts

Henry sat next to Spencer for a long time, neither one of them saying much to each other. The two had been friends for decades. After a while, Henry stood, took his friend’s hand lightly in his own, and walked away without a word.

Henry quipped to his son who sat waiting in the adjacent room, “It was a good visit.”

Spencer was dying, and Henry had come to spend a few precious, final moments with his long-time friend.

Recently, I visited a friend who underwent a difficult surgery with a difficult recovery. He also lost a child eight months ago.

We reminisced. We laughed. Some tears were shed.

On a long run over a year ago, I broke down and wept on a friend’s shoulder. It was dark; still long before sunrise. For a moment, I let myself believe it was an awkward situation, but then I remembered who my friend is. He’s the type of man who gives so selflessly yet always wonders if he’s doing enough. For me, he’s a role model of what it means to serve others.

Most of my early morning runs with my friends are blended together in a medley of inseparable memories, but that morning is etched in my mind. Five minutes that won’t soon be forgotten.

Rare are the times when being there for someone else is the wrong thing to do. Small, simple acts of kindness are usually the ones that resonate the longest with people.

There’s a steady increase to the cadence of life which has already passed from frenetic to chaotic — like doom-scrolling multiple social media feeds at once — and it’s far too easy to lose sight of the power your gift of time can be in the life of someone else.

I believe that the desire and will to do good in the lives of others is innate in everyone. Nurture, more than nature, can quell or enhance that that desire.

It’s not always easy or convenient to be there for another person. Service is often a sacrifice. Even when not viewed as a sacrifice, there is a tradeoff; you could be doing else.

Service — showing up for someone else in an unexpected way — is often rewarding. Sometimes, though, it can be painful, even heart wrenching.

For more than 20 years, someone close to me has, at regular intervals, given himself over to alcohol and drug abuse. Others who are also close to him have given time and money to help him. Individually and collectively, we’ve tried to help him in so many ways.

After twenty years, I gave up trying. I legitimize the cessation of effort with words like, “he can’t be helped” and “he’s where he is because that’s where he wants to be.”

Our last interaction was a difficult one. He asked me never to contact him again.

I’ve obliged him that. . .until recently.

On yet another long run, circumstances aligned in a curious way. I was nearing the end of a 20-mile run when I happened to run into him on the street.

He’s still not in a good space; not ready to receive help to make necessary changes in his life. My heart hurts for him. I’ve spent many hours pondering how to help him. I’ve concluded, perhaps wrongly, that the only thing I can do is wait for him to come back, and make sure my arms are wide to receive him when he does.

There are, of course, situations in life where you either have to or choose to “go it alone.” There are more situations where graciously receiving help means that your silent suffering is reduced, even minimized, and where the party offering assistance is uplifted for having served you.

Sadly, the body of people who are willing to wallow in self-pity even while rejecting help or begrudging perceived inadequacies in others who seek to help is increasing. Discontent and lack of empathy for self and others are at the root of a lot of societal issues today. That means the risk of being hurt by others when you try to help has increased.

Does that mean we should refrain from helping others? Of course not. While we have to be selective in the way we interact with those who are toxic, many people respond to assistance in the way they do because of emotional mismanagement. For those who are resistant but open, love is the key to reaching them. Once they know someone loves them and they learn to love themselves in a healthy way again, magical things can happen. It can be difficult — even painful — to have the kind of love required to see some people through their difficulties, but will almost always be worth it.

If nothing else, we learn of our own capacity to love in the face of struggling world.