You Will Never Outpace Your Own Desire

“I don’t want to change! I’m happy with how I am!”

It was one of the only times in my life I’ve really screamed at someone. During my time in Guatemala, I was assigned a partner, and apart from a few rare moments, we were stuck together. And we didn’t like each other.

Every morning, before 5 a.m., he would tap out a rhythm on our porcelain sink, waking me up. It made me want to cause him physical harm. That was just one of many things about him that drove me crazy.

On the day I lost it, he’d had the nerve to ask me to change something about myself — while refusing to adjust his own maddening routine. But the truth was, I did need to change. Our work wasn’t getting done because we couldn’t get over our mutual dislike.

Normally, partners were reassigned every so often. Not us. We were stuck with each other for six long months.

That experience should have taught me something about change. But, as it turns out, self-awareness doesn’t always translate into action.

Fast forward a few years. I was home and happily married to the girl of my dreams¹. I made a comment to her that I would rather starve than be overweight. I was working a physically demanding job so while I wasn’t really prioritizing staying in shape, it came because of the rigors of the job.

2025

I’m 40 pounds overweight and the girl of my dreams occasionally reminds me of what I said 23 years ago as she pats my rotund midsection.

The problem isn’t that I changed my mind about wanting to be fit. I still want that. But, if I’m being honest with myself, somewhere between then and now (and having a desk job now for 20 years), what I want and what I’m willing to do for it have drifted apart. I’ve opted for long work hours and unhealthy eating over taking time everyday to exercise. I want to be in shape but I also want to eat ice cream at 9:00 pm and donuts at 5:00 am.

Round is a shape, you know.

But this isn’t just about fitness or getting along with an irritating partner. It’s a pattern we see everywhere. We love the idea of change, but when it comes to doing the work, that’s often where things fall apart.

Perhaps you’ve heard the term cognitive dissonance before. Put simply, it’s that uncomfortable feeling you get when you believe something about yourself that doesn’t match what you actually do. It’s telling yourself you’re a ‘healthy eater’ when your halfway through a pint of Denali Mint Moose Tracks ice cream just before bed. (Not speaking from personal experience.)

The biggest challenge most of us face is the “I’ll start tomorrow” syndrome. It’s unfortunately all too easy to convince ourselves that we’ll be different in the future when things are [insert your favorite reason here].

Why People Change

People change when the pain of staying where they are is greater than the pain of change.

Sometimes, we change because the alternative is too bleak to imagine. A health scare, job loss, or sudden shift in family dynamics can force us into action. When the stakes are high enough, hesitation disappears. The discomfort of change is far less than the cost of inaction.

Other times, change comes from an identity shift. This is the hardest kind of change because it isn’t forced — it has to come from inside. It’s what separates wanting to be different from actually committing to it. It’s what finally overcomes the “I’ll start tomorrow” syndrome. When change is tied to identity, it’s no longer a temporary effort — it’s just who you are. The runner who laces up their shoes in the rain. The person who saves money even when no big expense is looming. The leader who makes the hard decision even when no one is watching.

But identity alone isn’t enough. Even the most committed people don’t transform overnight. The real motivation behind lasting change is small, compounding effort.

James Clear, in Atomic Habits, describes how tiny, consistent actions create exponential results. Tiny, regular, incremental efforts stack up over time. Of course, the converse of that is also true.

The Trajectory of Small Choices

If the trajectory of our lives is determined by small, compounding efforts, the real question isn’t do I want to change? but what am I reinforcing every day? Every small decision nudges us in one direction or another.

It’s easy to tell ourselves that the small things don’t matter, that skipping a workout or putting off a tough conversation is just a blip in the grand scheme of things. But the reality is, we are always in the process of becoming something. We’re either becoming a person who follows through or one who makes peace with excuses.

For me, I still want to be fit. I also want to eat ice cream at 9:00 p.m. The question is: which one of those desires will win out in the small, daily decisions I make?

Maybe that’s the only real measure of change: not what we say we want, but what we show up for every day.

¹I’ve been happily married to the girl of my dreams for more than 23 years and counting.