What’s Up With Crack?

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you read this headline?

Refining Stocks Soar As Crack Spread Hits Record High In 2026

I don’t want to ruin the punchline of this satirical article, but “The crack spread is the profit margin a refinery earns by purchasing crude oil and converting it into refined products such as gasoline, diesel, and jet fuel.”

When I first read that, I thought of drug addicts and plumbers.

Let’s unpack that for just a moment. Crude prices keep jumping all over the place like Yaroslava Mahuchikh in Paris 2024.

At the same time, Phillips 66 is up (im)precisely 66% year over year because anything higher would just have looked like bragging. That’s the image of corporate restraint, apparently. They probably could have gone to 80%, but that would have been gauche, and the board has standards. No really.

So… meanwhile, consumers like you, me, and Mrs. Darrington down the street are paying more at the pump because Mark Lashier’s yacht is still not as large as Jeff Bezos’. This creates what I believe pseudo-economists (which is to say all economists) call a “maritime dignity gap,” which can only be closed through higher margins, wherever they might be obtained, but always at the expense of the consumer.

As my friend ChatGPT-Monday said it, “Don’t think of every extra dollar you spend on gasoline as a burden. Think of it as a tiny act of philanthropy toward executive nautical equality.”

And, you know, I think Monday is right. I think it’s time I stopped complaining about the fact that gas in my neighborhood is bumping up against $4.50 for the cheap stuff. I just need to remember that Mr. Lashier’s upper deck hasn’t been added yet, and he’s really questioning whether a second helipad will be feasible. Forget even considering a “sister yacht” until probably Q1 2027.

It’s okay Mr. Lashier. I gotchu!

I’ll keep paying my executive nautical gas tax because, who knows, maybe someday I’ll get a ride on that yacht or at least read about it on Wired.