Letting Go of the Need to Prove
I ran across the dry soil with a mallet in my hand, sweat stinging the sunburn on my forehead. My coworker and I were out in the field, staking a site for a solar installation project for one of our…
Essays
What Does a Brave Life Look Like Now?
I’ve never been good at asking for what I want. My go-to strategy has always been to undervalue my own work while working myself to the bone. In the moment, it felt noble — heroic , even. But over time…
Too Afraid to Live
The first time I went rappelling, I was maybe twelve years old. It wasn’t even a cliff, really. More like a steep incline. Fear of heights doesn’t need cliffs, though. That day, all it needed was my imagination. I remember…
Saving Myself from the Hero Complex
My hands were shaking when I clicked send. It was just an email — just a few paragraphs. But it marked the end of something that had lasted for years. A business partnership. A friendship. A vision I wanted to…
Even More Than Enough
A few nights ago, I stepped outside to take out the trash. Spring has arrived in fits and starts this year in Utah, and the evening was beautiful. The sun was just beginning to dip behind the Oquirrh mountains. I…
When You Let Your Past Hold Your Future Hostage
I used to believe that finishing what you started was always the right thing to do. No matter how long it took. Through college, I had a personal rule: if I started reading a book, I had to finish it…
Everything Isn’t Fixed, But I’m Not Lost Anymore
I spent most of yesterday feeling like a fraud. It usually starts with a work problem. I was trying to solve something. I told myself that any competent person would have figured it out in way less time than it…
Can Meaning Really Pay the Bills?
The last time my wife and I argued about money, I don’t even remember what started it. “Argued” isn’t really the right word. We almost never speak to each other in anger. But there are tense moments, and they usually…
The Hustle Ends When Identity Begins
I sat down for dinner tonight. There are a lot of nights when I eat standing at the kitchen counter or grab something on the go. The meal was simple: macaroni salad and a chicken patty. My bonus mom made…
Keeping My Compass While I Build
I remember when I first started this. I used to tell people I was doing it for more control. More freedom. More time with my family. And now? I have all the responsibility and none of the freedom. That doesn’t…
Success Isn’t Freedom If You Hate Yourself
The oversized mirror in my bathroom makes it hard not to get a full view of yourself every time you pass it. Last night, I stopped to look at myself before getting ready for bed. It wasn’t a long look…
Do I Need Rest — or Boundaries?
The phone rang at 3:00 a.m., jerking me out of deep sleep. It was 1998. I was living in Guatemala, in one of the very few apartments that even had a telephone. My companion and I both scrambled out of…
Workaholism Disguised as Integrity
It was 2:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning when we finally wrapped up the inventory audit. A new store, already in disarray. A manager hiding more than poor performance. Three employees in tow, every box counted, every adjustment logged. I…
What I Got Wrong About Being a Provider
When my kids were little, I used to make “Daddy Movies.” It started as a way to stay connected when I was traveling for work. I’d sit down with a cheap webcam and record myself singing songs, reading stories, or…
Can Gratitude Really Change Anything?
A few years ago (it was 2018), I found myself standing in the middle of Hobby Lobby, fighting off what felt like the beginnings of another panic attack. The story was packed. So many people moving through the maze of…
